I must always remind myself not to compare my insides with anyone’s outside. I often know what I am feeling so what are the odds of knowing what anyone else is thinking or feeling.
I know that my physical, mental and emotional health are not promised and circumstances can result in temporary or permanent disability. Knowing that helps me appreciate the moment but it is also always accompanied by a measure of anxiety about how fragile this all is.
Rebounding from setbacks means uncertainty. Will the outcome feel right. I learned to avoid labeling events and feelings as good or bad, but I can’t avoid feeling that some outcomes feel more pleasant than others or more readily embraced.
I entered into a long stretch of uncertainty years ago. Every plan I had failed. Every outcome felt unwelcome. But you all, my friends and students let me have satisfaction and joy through your victories. Many times giving me the satisfaction of being a party of creating that victory with you. So even if i can’t win for me I can stick around to help others or to have appreciative joy for your successes.
My life is worth more than my personal ambitions. But without friends and family it would feel vacuous. Friends and family add value to this thing called life. Recently added to that community is a relationship with a girlfriend and her dog (Kooper).
I can vividly recall at least 3 times in my life where I broke down so fully and completely that I wasn’t sure I could be pieced together again. I never loved me enough to save myself. It was always my love of others that brought me around. I had things to do not for me but for those who relied upon me. Clients, family or friends. Sometimes today I am secluded for hours with Kooper a black Labrador. He makes his reliance on me clear. I respond by catering to his needs/wants. (Dog is now officially spoiled.)
What the fuck do people do without the engagement of other humans or animals to love when they can not love themselves? I am not one of those. I have other sentient beings to harness myself to in difficult times. I live in a state of grace. But not the traditional grace people envision with God but mine is with people.
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