So here I am.  Arrived at the age (70.5) where I wonder/worry if I will outlive my money. Will my daughters have unmet needs that I wish I could meet.  Will my body carry me to the finish line or am I to be bedridden or broken for much of the end. 

Will my mind accompany me to the end or will dementia rob me of my mental faculties.

Will I enjoy a rich internal/spiritual life or will I succumb to bitterness, fear and depression.

Will I die alone and my body be decomposed before they find me?

Is this angst common to my peers? I assume it is. Even to the older but rich and healthy.

The more I meditate the more I recognize that I will always struggle with insecurities and fears. I also see how meditation mitigates my anxieties. Had I started earlier I might have found freedom from suffering, happiness and even enlightenment. But I confess the progress I have experienced is still tremendous.

I first went to treatment and twelve step recovery in 1982. I left in 1994 for the richer pastures of drug and alcohol consumption. But I returned to recovery on my birthday in 2007 and here I have stayed. If I was not clean of substances in 1983, I would not have gone to college. I would not have gone to law school in 1985. I would not have graduated law school in 1987.

I wish that first trip in recovery I had learned more about the demons of darkness which resided within me. This second time, my Buddhist Vipassana meditation practice along with my daily attendance and participation in 12 steps has exposed the true nature of my mind. I now understand why I have felt and acted so fucked up for so many years. These same tools have also been the catalyst for change and transformation.

But while I have tamed and/or purged many of the  chains or bonds that have shackled me to a life filled with suffering, I have others ready to take their place. As I stated at the beginning of this blog, aging has brought new anxieties I did not know would await me. Am I failing in my practice to free myself from suffering. Not meditating enough? Not taking seriously all that the Buddha taught about achieving happiness? Not working the 12 steps diligently?

Talking to pals my age, I seem to be in good company with my worries. Would more money insulate me from the economic fears? Would a clean bill from my internist, cardiologist and leg surgeon allay my fear of physical infirmities? How about my daughters completing their education and settling into a career give me the peace a father longs for?

Some days I have no cares. I ride my bike for hours, chat with friends and watch a rom-com or two. Those days I do not worry about my weight, my brain, or my money. Other days I feel waves of melancholy wash over me and it is as if I am being held under the water unable to breathe. Years of experience have taught me to simply wait it out as the feelings will pass. Someone will facilitate the passing by telling me, unsolicited, that I have been helpful to their improved state of mind.

So I started this as a stream of consciousness about aging and I am to conclude still just recording thoughts that arose from somewhere I know not where and then retreated to somewhere else, I know not where. But I do so enjoy being unconstrained by logic and organization when I write/blog. Sorry if you got this far and feel you wasted your time.