Tag: mental-health

The Dark I Must Illuminate

I am what I am and no excuses. But some background. I was raised with the constant threat of violence. As a little boy, I prayed everyday for my dad to die before he could hit me again. There was no god, no relief no peace. While it colored my world, it also was the seeds of a good life, a life of service, challenges met and spiritual transformation.

If you were similarly situated, I hope you got the healing help. I hope you found strength not paralysis. I hope you forgave.

I have met my own demons along the way. And it occurred to me that my father had demons unseen by him. I realized one day that he only did what he knew to do. No amount of education can teach relief from those demons of darkness that visit and stimulate violence against others and ourselves.

I get visited by internet bullies every now and then. My first reaction is aggression. I allow them unfettered access to my social media in exchange for the opportunity to insult and laugh at them. When a truck pulls alongside me and yells threats at me because he does not like my bike skills, part of my brain lights up. I can feel it physically. My brain thinks, this person wants to threaten and intimidate me. YES! Bring it so I can respond with greater threats and intimidation. Let’s go somewhere you did not have on your itinerary. Some dark place where the greater threat carries the most cache. Let me show you why you should mind your own business and never ever bully someone. Let me make clear what a fucking mistake you just made.

But I no longer believe my brain, instincts or skills. I know that there are alternative reactions. Ignore, respond politely, apologize if I bothered you. To get there, I have to run through a mental checklist.

First, I am too old to fight. Next, you are just an ass and there is nothing personal about your assault. Third, killing you would be overly aggressive. Killing you would result in consequences I am not wanting to sustain. But, there is the creeping thought that if do not get ugly, you will think I am afraid, I am weak. I may be afraid but I will not show it. The ability to show fear was beaten out of my cerebral cortex long ago. I will do almost anything to avoid conflict except to show fear. Put a gun to my head? No fear. Threaten my financial, mental or emotional well-being? No fear.

I do not necessarily think that is healthy but it is who I am. It took years of work to break through the fog of war in my brain. Meditation, ego deflation, and abandoning the justifications which drove me. Most important was forgiveness for all the bullies starting with my father. I am not out of the woods yet. I will not be a poster boy for Good Mental Health magazine. In fact, hardly a day goes by where I am not reminded that I can not rest on my laurels. Coping fatigue can not be an excuse for bad behavior.

Today when I meet someone suffering. I invite them to share about their problems. But after that, I expect them to set out to do the work of moving forward into freedom from suffering. Otherwise, sharing becomes whining. I no longer wish to whine about my life so why would I want to listen to you you whine about yours.

Healing does not take place in a vacuum. Time does not heal all wounds. The only way out of pain is through it, not over, under, or around it. That’s my experience, my truth. Many times over the past several years I have acted with compassion, kindness and metta. I recognize that the teachings of the Buddha, Eckhart Tolle and the many great spiritual teachers I have encountered precipitated my healing path. I appreciate the psychiatrist, psychologists and mental health counselors also but ultimately, the best path was a spiritual one.

Being around Buddhist temples and monasteries, 12-step meetings, and nature really helped feed my soul over the years. But I would be remiss if I did not leave you with this. Fuck with me or my people and I will invoke Ezekiel 25:17. “And I will execute great vengeance upon them with furious rebukes; and they shall know that I am the Lord, when I shall lay my vengeance upon them”. Just saying

Imagine that….I lead mindful meditation

As there are in most people’s lives, I have people who come and go. Some recent acquaintances and some long standing. Most old friends have never seen me in my new environment. Even my old, (40 plus years) friends back in Tucson may never have seen me directing meditation for a group. And the Chicago friends, fuggedaboutit.

So what? Well I find I straddle between who I was, who I am and who I am becoming. Not only is it a transition, it is a laborious process. Imagine that I arrived  in Dallas with a letter of introduction from a Buddhist monk in AZ to the Buddhist temple in Dallas. The letter was written in Thai so I will have to guess what it said. I think it went something like this. Ken Goldberg is competent to lead Westerners in meditation!

How had my life come to this? Dozens of hikes up and down the mountains with the monk. Days spent learning meditation on the mountains, in the desert and in the non air-conditioned Buddha Hall. I accompanied the monk to art fairs, grocery shopping, community meetings and finally as a novice monk. My head and eyebrows were shaved, I was assigned a bed in the hall, and typically I was in the Buddha Hall by 5.30 AM chanting and meditating with fellow monks.

This post is not for those who have come to know me in the recent past. What would you care my journey. This is for the old crowd. To them I say, Imagine that….I lead meditation, in a Buddhist temple. With the blessings of the monks. I know darn well, not one of you, not ONE, ever thought this day would come. And with good reason. This day had no business coming. It was not on the itinerary or flight plan. My orbit was not scheduled to come into retrograde Aquarius with a Sagittarius moon or some such. Nope, live fast, die young and have a good looking corpse.

If anyone had told me I could modify my life in this way, I would have scoffed. If someone called me sweet, I would have mocked them. I would be derisive to those that had not learned to fear me.

You are welcome to join me every Wednesday night at 7 PM at the Wat Dallas at 8484 Stults Road for meditation. Ends at 8 PM. Or join me Tuesdays at noon,  Presbyterian Hospital of Dallas community mental health center at 8140 Walnut Hill Lane #200 Dallas, TX 75231‎ for meditation. That is an invitation you never saw coming.