So I just posted something about haters on Facebook. I mentioned the manner in which I would like to reply to FB people who hate on others. I mentioned dipping my toe in the hate pool.

I had a conversation with my wife Sunday. She said something to the effect of, “I like that the real you has emerged”. She specifically was referring to how much nicer I behave. I retorted that I do not believe the real me is sweeter. I believe the natural me is quite “difficult”. I explained to her that being sweet and its accompanying attributes is a major effort, that being hostile and aggressive has always come quite easily and naturally.

I am not proud of that fact but for the sake of clarity and reality, I hope that folks can learn what I have learned. I discovered that I could be better but being kind is laborious. I know I have been a good person most of my days. I have acted with great kindness and compassion quite often. But no one would have, or at least should have characterized my behavior based on those moments in contrast to my more common behavior.

So, if like me, you are, or know someone who is, a “difficult” person, you might suggest that it need not be. There is a path(s) which leads to a better acting self. For me, my path has been a combination of 12 step recovery and Buddhism/mindful meditation. It can be hard to convince someone that with effort they can dramatically change their behavior, especially if like me, they spent years in therapies and many nights wishing unsuccessfully, to be different.

I can not believe that if I abandon the effort I will continue to be seen as a sweet man. Aggression is lurking in my psyche, ready to roll on a moments notice. Thus do I arrive at the conclusion that we have not discovered the “real me” when gazing upon my better acting self. The real me would be happy to stick around even in the absence of behavioral modifications. If you believe that I am a naturally sweet man, then you should be vigilant against the possibility of being sold swampland in Florida.