I poison my own well with doubt.

This has been a rough run. I have all the tools to navigate hard times but I get sad, hurt, angry. You too? I thought so. So none of us is alone in our moments of despair and pain. I can easily forget how hard others have it. I can easily obsess on self.

My dear friend Gary Coursey was THE BEST example of someone who struggled to make ends meet and yet never let me forget that we need to share, help, and give voice to those less fortunate.

My friend Chuck Horn would show generosity of spirit to all despite his desperate struggle with his own very active addiction. He and I would talk daily and a day never went by without Chuck referencing his concern for someone else’s suffering.

My friend Jerry Cichon had more than most. But again, he made frequent references of concern about people who were caught in spiritual, financial or emotional pain.

The irony is these great teachers who passed through my life but then passed beyond are often the very reason I feel lost. Without their counsel and friendship, I forget how good I have it and get lost in losing them. Just like when you lost someone close to you. Remember how much it hurts. Hell yea! I find myself humming the song from Les Miserables

There’s a grief that can’t be spoken,
There’s a pain goes on and on.
Empty chairs at empty tables,
Now my friends are dead and gone.

Oh my friends, my friends forgive me
That I live and you are gone
There’s a grief that can’t be spoken,
And there’s a pain goes on and on

Tomorrow may bring a new friend, lover, teacher. It may bring blessings unimagined today. It may just as likely bring more pain, loss and depression. But if I stay in the moment, breathe, accept and give to others, and cease and desist my propensity to drink poison, grasp hot coals or wear a hair shirt (a shirt made of rough animal hair worn next to the skin as a penance) it will be okay. I wish it felt okay now but that would be unrealistic.

I am a lucky person to have and had so many good friends. And I know, really know, that you have your moments of despair also. I hope reading this caused you to nod your head in understanding, because after all, No one is getting out of this life alive.

7 thoughts on “I poison my own well with doubt.

  1. Love you very much Ken. that was heart felt writing. will you come visit us for thanksgiving? please? i miss my friend David so much. it does hurt as you so eloquently spoke to the missings of our dear friends.tomorrow is day of the dead and buy some marigolds and think of our sweet friends who are gone but not forgotten. i will take some to my parents graves and be grateful for you.

  2. I frequently say all my “go to” people are gone so i can relate BIG time. Must be how elders feel when they are the last one left. Accepting helps. .. after all it is true they are gone. Showing up for the people today that do seek my friendship helps too. Regardless how they fail to fill the shoes of my past teachers. And better yet the deep loss opens the door wider to trusting my own wisdom and leaning on my higher power for everything. It still, most days, just feels very lonely, but i am hopeful… and it oddly feels like i am being pushed to more self reliance which somehow feels very contrary to my program.. sigh. No answers here just thx for sharing

  3. I hear you old friend… but lest you forget, there are still a few others who love you still on the Green Side. Any time brother!

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